MY GODDAMN FLAWS.

Flaw #1:

I have a fear of socializing. I know the first thing that snapped inside that meat of yours: “WHAT?” Yep. I theorized it might be the reason that resulted my introversion.  But I just can’t control it. No matter how much I try to breathe, no matter how much I try to stay calm, it always jumps right back, and digs its nails right into my brain, having control on my thoughts entirely.

I remember before, whenever I used to talk to my mom in public, the thoughts would compltetly control me. It was almost like panic attacks… How do I explain this more clearly? It’s like, feeling as though the entire world is judging you negatively. It’s feeling very, very small when conversing. It’s feeling as though people hold this form of superiority while you’re the vulnerable, impotent little pauper. It’s anxiety. It’s not being able to make an appointment at the salon. It’s not being able to reply. It’s… so hard to explain. It’s not just being “shy” it’s ten thousand times more than that. It’s feeling defeated at the end of every conversation, or any interaction, because you were just too humiliating.

Just picture this. I presented something, a research thing; presentation about The Renaissance, or whatever. Exteriorly, I spoke, went back to my seat, and another person got up to present. Interiorly however is an entirely different atmosphere, my mind is enveloped by destructive thoughts, my heart thudded, rather than pumped, and a stone stretched my neck, as it forcefully pushed the tears out of my eyes, but I knew perfectly well how to swallow them back. I was humiliated; actually, I was always humiliated. My actions were all humiliating. I am a humiliation.

Flaw #2:

I cry easily.  It’s as simple as that. I almost cried in Toy Story 2, I cried when my dad scared my cat, yeah; I’m sixteen by the way! I even cry when I’m happy. But, I always try my best to always cry privately. When my dad hit my cat, I sat in my room, and cried until the tears ran out. laugh all you want.

It’s just because I was a huge crier as a kid, I mean I still am, but I couldn’t hold it in back then, as I do now. The only reason I cry privately is to avoid humiliation, so in a way, this fault is connected to my previous one.

Flaw #3:

My eyes look like they’re about to fall out my face, my eyebrows are freakish, my ears stick out a little, I have a burn on my calf, I lack vitamin D, my lips are chapped, I have the darkest, and most prominent under eye circles, and tired lines, my eye lashes are too short, my facial structure is too big, and I think I look like a boy.

I am not perfect; in fact, I am a big ball of imperfections, an ocean! If I must. I’m the girl everyone would like to avoid,  I’m the girl who’d much rather watch TV in her favorite pajamas, rather than go to some party with her friends. I’m the girl who’d cancel any outing, because her favorite TV show is on in a couple of minutes. I’m the girl who’d eat like a cow, just because she can. I’m the girl who goes out with pajamas under her abaya, with no makeup whatsoever. I’m the girl who spends hours, and hours on her computer, watching countless videos on youtube, and learning absolutely nothing.  I’m also, that girl, who fangirls over any random picture, video, or gif of her favorite celebrity.  I’m the girl who sings, and dances like a freak, in her bedroom, just because she wants to.  I’m the socially awkward, and clumsy daughter who’d spill the guests drinks, and embaress her mother. I’m that retarded friend, who would love to spend the entire day doing the most idiotic things for… no obvious reason, really.

My main point is, I’m okay. I’m fine. Even with my flaws, and my imperfections, I’m just fine. I mean I like being weird. I like randomly singing in a loud voice, I like dancing like a drunken homeless man, and I’m sorry you guys- the people who are just not ‘okay’ with it- just can’t get over yourselves. I’ll be me. I’ll be my idiotic, filled-with-flaws self, and I’ll flaunt my goddamn, disturbing flaws.

P.S. Literarily, this must be the worst piece I have ever written in my life, because all I want to do, is get this message cross instantly. And plus, how do I send this message of being okay with your imperfections, with a perfectly written piece?

And thank you, for keeping up with my terribly beautiful writing.